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  • Writer's pictureMarissa Cristiano

Millennial Food Pyramid, Revised.

As an expert millennial, with over 24 years of experience millenniating, I was thrilled to see an acknowledgment of my generation’s contribution to the nutritional landscape finally acknowledged at a national level on the CBC’s Millennial Food Pyramid.

I am disturbed the absence of the following items, which are a foundation part of the the millennial diet and fuels both our characteristic class anxiety, glowing complexions and inability to ever purchase real estate in the Toronto rental market. I have attached a revised chart and detailed list of all new proposed foods below for your perusal. Changes and new additions are highlighted in orange.

I would like to call out the continued use of triangular shapes. Intrinsically, this shape signals an overall hierarchy among foods, suggesting that one food might be more “ important” or more of a “good” food over another. Has the continuous hierarchisation and exclusion of food groups done us any good? We should aim for a more inclusive shape, like a square or a circle, or perhaps even get creative and invent a new shape all together. It is 2017 after all!

I appreciate all thoughts and revisions, as we continue to build a more inclusive millennial food-map together.

Vegan Childhood Remakes

We all know that millennials love temporary veganism, nostalgia and are desperately clinging on to their childhood. I am proposing a new category to acknowledge these growing trends, which have emerged parallel to one another

•“ Grilled Cheese”- Artisanal bread, non-animal cheese re-imagined for the adult at play

•“Mac N’ Cheese”- The childhood mac n’cheese is turned up a notch by omitting the cheese

• “Pizza Pockets”- Pizza turned inside out. To be eaten with fork and knife.

• Pop-tarts, made by a college educated hand — Sold at a premium of 4$ with un-evenly applied frosting at a place that has Christmas lights all year round.

Bowls Category

Zoodles- Including Zucchini noodle, beet noodles, carrot noodles and noddle-ized vegetables in general. There are entire machines dedicated to spiralizing vegetables on Amazon, available for purchase at less than 10$. This is the true hallmark of transition from food trend to cupboard essential.Quinoa bowls: Have you tried to get something without Quinoa lately?Smoothie Bowl: When we discovered that smoothies were simply un-slurp-able and best spooned slowly into our innovative mouths.

Sauces Category

Labneh- Universally included on all menus without explanation.

Brunch Category

Almond Milk — Whereas it is a well known fact that millennials have ruined the cereal industry, as a consequence they have also ruined the animal- originating milk industry, when they deemed nuts the greater maker of milk.Fried Chicken and Waffles — An unlikely combination that renders it socially acceptable to indulge in fried chicken in the morning, so long as it is slathered in sugary maple syrup. Blue Corn Tacos — Offer more olfactory appeal than regular old tacos.

Platters Category

Pork Belly, reconstructed- Because normally constructed Pork Belly was too dull.

Snacks Category

Soft serve ice cream in a fish cookie- Regular cones were much to crunchy and obviously shaped.Chia seed pudding- Mostly tasteless, with no scientifically confirmed health benefits, just the way millennials like it. Said to be “good for digestion”.Vague and Obscure Nut Butter and Non- nut butters -Primary to the millennial mindset is choice: Peanut Butter was simply not enough. Being inclusive of those with nut allergies, we have spawned, non-nut butters.

Drinks Category

Craft Beer- Has become so popular, that we are no longer sure what “un-craft” beer is anymore.Rose- Drunk in quantities so large, that millennials were said to have caused it’s first ever shortage in North America.Cold pressed juices — Hot pressed unacceptable. Must be sold at a premium in a glass bottle.

Avocado Category

Rose- The sophisticated older cousin of “smashed avocado on toast”Bun — For when bread is just too cliche

Pizza Category ( New )

I don’t know how you let this one slip through the cracks. Have you been on the internet lately? It is being consumed at an alarming rate with ironic nostalgia across the globe. Pizza is enjoyed in a variety of forms, thin crust, with copious amount of ribboned vegetable, avec egg, cold, re-heated, as an alternative to avocado on toast at breakfast, or as Pizza Pizza eaten ironically at 4:00 am. There is a vague connection between the popularity of cats and pizza on the internet, but no one has quite cracked the relationship yet.

Crippling Debt Category ( New )

Revised: that one actually eats us. However, I’m sure edible debt could be purchased at a premium in a couple of years when technology gets us to such a place.

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